12 Reasons why gay people should not be allowed to marry

I found this during a google search on the legal issues surrounding the homosexual marriage debate. Couldn’t help but be amused! I wish there was a source, but I couldn’t find one.

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control. [Or in-vitro fertilization, food preservatives, and shoes --J.]

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to things like cars or longer life-spans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

For folks who don’t understand humor, this is tongue-in-cheek, and it is not my own work.
-the eye-rolling management

22 thoughts on “12 Reasons why gay people should not be allowed to marry

  1. That’s a hilariously good sum-up of all the major arguments against gay marriage and their appropriate counter-arguments, with one exception: the tall / gay thing.

    Height is an immutable physical attribute that can be changed only through amputation or natural wearing down of the cartilage between vertebrae. Being gay is not a conscious choice, but it is a taste. I do not choose to hate the taste of meat. Nor do I choose to prefer romantic comedies to horror films. Those are just my personal preferences and inclinations. Nevertheless, sometimes people do acquire a taste for new things, and it’s possible that a lot of straight people who fear their own potential gayness could be turned gay or opened up to bisexuality. No, same-sex attraction isn’t contagious like a disease or a fashion trend, but it is not the qualitatively the same as height.

    I know people like to reduce human characteristics to simplistically “genetic predetermined” or “environmentally influenced,” but invariably there are parts of your personality and preferences that are not a “gene” that are also not conscious choices that can be easily changed.

    I think my comment here is probably more likely to attract the flames than your post.

  2. Hi ubuntucat (I’m checking out your blog now, by the way!),
    My guess is that the person writing the height analogy was speaking to the idea that orientation might be written into the genetic makeup of an individual, this likening the lack of control over whether or not to be gay to to one’s inability to choose to be tall. Of course, you touched on that a bit already.

    It seems your view (which I find intriguing) could go an odd direction. If, say, I hate the taste of peas as a child, but grow to like them as an adult (which is actually true for me), and that is similar to someone’s preference for the same sex… couldn’t you also say that someone might prefer the same sex for a time, but grow out of it later?

  3. While that might be possible in a different sociological world than the one we live in now, I don’t think it’s very likely for most people on the planet now. There is very little (if any) stigma attached to the preference for peas. Even when people like a food others tend not to like (say, anchovies), they are not judged as a whole human being for that one preference.

    There is a lot of fear surrounding sexuality in American culture, though, and I think that America (although an extreme example) is similar to many other countries in this respect. I’ve been fully heterosexual for three decades, and my friends and acquaintances think of me that way. Let’s say, though, that one day I want to [have oral sex with another man]. Just for that one day. Is that like eating peas? Not at all. Even if you don’t like peas and eat peas once, no one will call you a pea eater. If I [did this] once in three decades, though, people would consider me gay, closet gay, or closet bisexual. My straight status would go out the window.

    See, we’ve built identities around sexuality. Sexual preference is no longer (as it might have been in ancient Greece or Rome) like ice cream flavor preference. Right now, heterosexuality is viewed as a fragile and pure identity that can be corrupted by only once same-sex experience (unless you’re a woman, because a little lesbianism is cool for het men, as long as you eventually end up heterosexual). And since those engaging in same-sex sex have been persecuted for centuries, they’ve built up an identity around that behavior and preference as well.

    It could be possible to live in a spectrum world with a little more fluidity of sexual preference… not now, though.

    [brackets indicate my edits. Sorry, I want this page to be PG-safe --J.]

  4. Okay, don’t get hung up on the peas comment. hehe. I was hoping you’d clarify about how preferences can, and do, change over time, and if you think homosexuality is similar to your taste for a food changing over time. I suppose I’m not gathering the answer well enough from your reply… Am I misunderstanding you?

  5. I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t know if being gay or straight can change the way food preferences change over time, because right now we don’t live in societies that allow us to easily change sexual preferences the way we change food preferences. In other words, I don’t know.

  6. I strongly disagree with most of your reasons.

    1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control

    I believe it IS natural. It is not like a skill you learn, you can’t decide you will be gay, it just comes naturally as a part of your personality. Also, i don’t think polyester is a good comparison in this case.

    2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.

    From this I understand that if two heterosexual people are madly in love but they are infertile they can’t get married? Are they expected to take a fertility test before they are allowed to marry? And what about couples that simply don’t want to have children, would they be denied the right to marry? As to old people, I don’t understand why age would get in the way of love. Marriage unites two souls, does age matter? Would those people be denied happiness because they were unlucky enough to be sentenced to wait so long for their one and only?

    3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

    If straight parents only raise straight children and homosexuals aren’t allowed to adopt, then where do the gay people come from in the first place?
    I think it doesn’t matter what your parents’ sexual orientation is, as I said, it is a part of your character. And also, what is wrong with gay people that makes you want to avoid them so much?

    4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed

    Let me use examples. If we have a drunk man and woman marry in Vegas and don’t know the name of their spouse the following morning and we have two men/ women madly in love planning their wedding day for months, which one would be more meaningful? It may be a distinct comparison, but my point is that your sexual orientation doesn’t make a difference in the meaningfulnes of your feelings and marriage.

    5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

    If I understand this point well, which I hope I don’t, the part “women are property, blacks can’t marry whites” is a violation of the basic human rights. Also, i don’t see how the point itself is a reason not to allow gay marriage. Just because one thing has been around for a long time doesn’t mean a new thing can’t be introduced.

    7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

    This is the only reason I actualy do agree with, although I cannot understand why religion opposes homosexuality.

    8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

    Again, what is wrong with being gay? Could you give me an example of how gay marriage would encourage people to be gay? Heterosexual marriages don’t encourage people to become heterosexual, I don’t see how it would be different in the case of homosexual marriages.

    9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

    I beleive it is quite degrading to compare homosexuals to pets. Gay people want to marry other people, the only difference between gay and straight marriage is the sex of the parters, not the species.

    10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children

    What if a person becomes a widow/widower? Are the children taken away from the peron in such case? What about divorced couples? Or couples that weren’t married in the first place? Or women that were impregnated through rape? If the person can give the child decent care, I can’t see what would be wrong with it. Besides, marriage doesn’t necessarely mean having children. The reasons were ment to be about gay marriages, not gays adopting or having children.

    11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to things like cars or longer life-spans.

    I believe the human race has adoapted to cars and longer lifespans quite well by now. I would appreciate it if you could explai why you think it isn’t so. Also, in my opinion the only change in society would be the increase of happiness among people who are free to express their feelings, which i think wouldn’t be a cause for a terrible imbalance in the structure of our society.

    12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

    I don’t really see why gay people should have a different type of marriage. Separate schools for African Americans were a awful and intorelable idea, and according to what you wrote, that would also be the case for gay marriages.

    I hope to hear your answers soon.

  7. Wow, thanks for taking so much time on a response. I’m glad you care so much about this issue.

    But you must have missed the fact that this list is absolutely 100% tongue-in-cheek. :D lol
    So thank you for making these points even stronger. I’m sure it will help those who actually believe these arguments know just how ridiculous they are. Enjoy the humor!

  8. ok,

    1. eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are all inventions, homosexuality is not.

    2. Infertile couples and old people at least function in the way to produce children; homos don’t.

    3. Maybe all straight couples don’t raise straight children, but 90% of their children are. so therefore 90% of gay couples’ children will be gay too.

    4. Who said britney spears is the epidemy of straight marriage? good one.

    5. The bottom line is, this country was founded on heterosexuality.

    6. I don’t agree with

    7. Show me one religion that supports gay marriage.

    8. This is the dumbest one of all. Hanging around tall people and becoming tall is a physical impossibility. Hanging around gay people and becoming gay is not.

    9. No one is going to marry a dog

    10. That one is just a dumb argument on the straight side

    11. Another dumb straight argument, i’ll give you that

    12. I don’t agree with 12

  9. 1. I don’t really agree with
    2.I think the world has enough children but did people ever think about the homeless children that need parents
    3. actually i disagree adam there are more straight couples who raise gay children and some gay couples raise straight children
    4.i don’t really like brittny so i don’t know
    5.i have no say
    6.it should be decided by the people
    7.i disagree with
    8.thats bull you can’t turn someone gay it depends on them not who they hang around with because believe me i know
    9.well its life and mother nature who cares if dogs and there owners get married i don’t see a problem
    10.i disagree with both the arguments
    11.i strongly disagree
    12.i don’t agree

  10. How can you people not get that this is a joke?!
    I am absolutely for gay marriage, as the daughter of lesbian moms, but even I can see this is a joke (and quite funny).
    You people need to relax and pay attention. Anyone with half a brain can see this is humor (i.e. of course old people marriages are real, of course we have more than one religion in America.)
    Seriously, it’s a little sad.

  11. i seriously think these is dum!!
    A support gay mirrage ,they arent going to be harming us .You are not gonna be the one sleeping with your same sex so why does it bother you?

  12. the bible says that the worls will come to an end when the fish in the sea start washing up on shore dead and women dress as men and men dress as women… now they are allowed to marry one another. hmmmm… the world is a nasty place as this is proof. we have gays fighting to wed one another and they are winning. go ahead obama…. do away with this retarded allowance.

  13. You are retarded Kathy. Peope have been cross dressing before Jesus ever picked up his first piece of wood. Fish have been washing up on the shore dead in the past too; its called Red Tide. The Red Tide is nothing more but a large chemical reaction stripping a large body of water of its oxygen.

    So I guess the world has been ending for hundreds of thousands of years huh?

  14. “Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.”

    1. I’m infertile and married–YOU FAIL.

    2. The world is overpopulated–YOU FAIL.

    3. Old people get married every day, take a look at your local paper’s wedding announcements…if you can read–YOU FAIL

    Wow, you’re just a great big ol pile of fail, aren’t you???

  15. Wow. There are sure a lot of stupid people who comment before they actually read the entire piece. This is SARCASTIC you morons.. it is MAKING FUN OF the arguments against gay marriage. It is also picking them apart quite adeptly I might add, despite the one or two religion-blinded morons who have tried to prop them up with piss-poor arguments.

    The basic litmus test for any of these debates is thus: Is the action you are trying to ban going to harm you, or anyone else in any way? Or are you just trying to ban something you disapprove of on a moral basis. You may not agree with Gay marriage, and you have that right. You even have the right to think it is amoral, or a sin. But passing laws based on religion are completely the opposite of the principles that this country was founded upon. Take it from an ordained minister: keep religion out of politics, and politics out of religion, or you will poison the both of them.

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