12 Reasons why gay people should not be allowed to marry

I found this during a google search on the legal issues surrounding the homosexual marriage debate. Couldn’t help but be amused! I wish there was a source, but I couldn’t find one.

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control. [Or in-vitro fertilization, food preservatives, and shoes --J.]

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to things like cars or longer life-spans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

For folks who don’t understand humor, this is tongue-in-cheek, and it is not my own work.
-the eye-rolling management

Thursday Thirteen: episode 11

13 Historical Methods of Contraception

Plus: Their Scary Score from 1-10. 1 being “Sure, whatever”; 10 being “Let me know what St. Peter’s like up close”.

  1. One half lemon rind for a makeshift cervical cap. (Scary Score: 2)
  2. Balls of bamboo paper used to block the cervix. (Scary Score: 4)
  3. Crocodile dung as a sticky cervical plug. (Scary Score: 9)
  4. Condom-like sheaths made of animal intestines. (Scary Score: 10)
  5. Spermicide made of cocoa butter and quinine sulfate. (Scary Score: 3)
  6. Inserting flocks of wool wrapped around pine bark and sumac rubbed with wine. (Scary Score: 8 )
  7. Post-coital sneezing and squatting. (Scary Score: 1)
  8. Linen condoms. (Scary Score: 1)
  9. Drinking lead, arsenic, strychnine and/or mercury. (Scary Score: 10)
  10. Wearing a necklace of a black cat’s bone shards or an amulet of a mule’s earwax. (Scary Score: 2)
  11. Candy bar wrappers as condoms. (Scary Score: 4)
  12. Walking three times around the spot where a pregnant wolf had urinated. (Scary Score: 1)
  13. Lysol douche. (Scary Score: 10)

Anyone else suddenly have a hankering for abstinence?

Here’s further reading on the subject (and my various sources for this post): 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Check out more Thursday Thirteens here.