I should have written about this yesterday… but wow. I’m still underneath.
One would think that since I despise getting up in the morning so much and that I get my second wind at 11:00pm, that I would be dreading my first hour of school which comes an hour earlier than it did last semester when my first class was everyone else’s second hour. That was Math. This is Philosophy. They are worlds apart. I will never skip this class. I feel as if I belong there moore than I can resist. I need to have my say, involve my mind, hear the ideas, and see if they make sense to my life. My question in life is
“Where does this leave me?”
Because knowledge continues and leaves me in its wake. Where does it leave me? This breath, this compliment, this decision, this relationship, this death… Where does it leave me? Where do I go from here? Always movement… One must always move on in one way or another: whether it be backwards in regret, or forward with new determination, or simply sideways into another lane to get off the current track. Just don’t get run over. With people making these decisions constantly most of the time without their knowledge, it’s a busy road out there. Know your foe. Know yourself. Where does this leave me?
Have you ever truly meditated? I don’t mean sat in silence wondering when it would end, or fidgeting with your mind tind around in knots as you yearn to just…scratch…that damn spot! I mean complete peace, breathing deeply in a space all your own. Somehow the world falls short of you, the cliff, and distractions crash against your feet and sputter off silently. Nothing is there but you and your silence.
I had that moment for the first time yesterday morning at the buttcrack of dawn, the worst time in my day for thinking. Thankfully I believe this came in handy. I had drank no caffeine, eaten no heavy food, done much talking or walking… I was pretty dormant. It allowed me to slip into something worth writing about. It was so quick, the music bringing me into that trance of silence and melody, but in such a way as to allow me to hear both at once, if that is possible. My mind was empty of thought. My breaths were rhythmic: in…2…3….4… out…2…3…4…I felt every beat within me and I began to…not think about it… but consider it within my lack of thought. Never have I been so still, so relaxed… And at that moment I felt the hoola hoop. It was just that, a holla hoop within my torso that somehow without my aid (note i was perfectly still but still loose) caused me to move very slightly. It hooked my body in its twirl and i felt myself pulse in an eliptic trance. It matched my breathing… in…beat2….beat3….beat4…out….beat2….beat3….beat4… And then it came to me, cresting with its new idea and my own small revelation. I was feeling the blood move through my body. I was actually feeling every beat of my heart. It wasn’t as if I could hear it within my ear as you sometimes can… But I could experience it with my entire body. The hoola continued at its confortable pace and I grew more peaceful than ever before… Just as the timer rang.
To wake up from a coma must be similar. I could only move my eyes. I could neither desire to nor find the energy to move any other part of my body. I was relaxed, in a state of “paralysis” from the peace I had felt with my own sense of self.
I can predict your thoughts… “I can’t believe she’s getting herself into that stuff. that New Age crap leads straight to Hell!” Well listen to me and hear me well. Hell is 20 minutes from my house. I can go there anytime I want. I am not trying to be “new age” or connect with buddha or let demons opress me through my mind. I am a philosophy student with a desire to relax, think clearly, and start my day with a deep breath and a Thank You Lord.
And now I wait for it to happen again… because in its own small way, it changed my life.