It’s really difficult for me to forget the tender spots on my memory. I’ve been struggling to let go of many things, mostly within the last two years. Perhaps the compound struggle of dealing with and letting go of so many defining moments has tired my heart. But I’d like to think that I’m stronger because of them. Honestly, my motto is not “no pain, no gain” but is in fact “no pain, no pain.”
I avoid confrontations, hurt, stress, and suffering as much as I can… But it seems that in the past two and some years, God has been slowly chisling away at my rough edges. And it hurts like gaping infected wounds for quite some time. So much for my motto.
All change can be good, but all change brings consequence. The pain is less tremendous now. But I still feel the jab at my chest every time I’m confonted with my old problems, my old ways of living.
I’ve been hurt by others in ways that go beyond normal emotional bruises. I can bring to mind two times in particular that inflicted wounds that are still tender from the beating I recieved. I was violated, rejected, judged. The most difficult portion of this beating was that I feel like I asked for it every time- that I somehow deserved it. Now, if you knew what these situations were, you might disagree with me. And for the sake of my own privacy and pride, I won’t be going into greater detail about them right now, especially in such a public venue. But I have been dealing with the ripple effects for years. I didn’t want these trials to change who I was, but I haven’t been the same Julia ever since.
Healing doesn’t always just take time, but it takes change.
I’ve needed to let go. To do this, I needed (and still need) to learn about forgiveness. I needed (and still need) to learn about perfect and true love- not the emotional fluff given so much credit, but the rough, love-for-all-you’re-worth-no-matter-what hard core love that only God can teach me. This true unconditional love doesn’t have dividing walls. It doesn’t care if someone sinned against you. It doesn’t pay attention to what people you prefer. It doesn’t just radiate when you feel like it. Real love is what I need to receive and especially what I need to give. And I can’t be doing this all on my own. I’ve hated strongly before. That hate doesn’t just fade into overflowing streams of care and kindness. That’s because human love, or my kind of love (the kind any of us are willing to give on our own), is not real love. It can resemble True/Real love, but never imitate it completely because perfect love must come from a perfect source, and I am the most imperfect person I have ever met. But through some very long-term healing and forgiveness, I’m stripping off the hate and trying on love.
Healing is painful, but living again is everything.