Playing: Jesu, Joy Of Man’s Desiring
I’m having a difficult time giving my life up.
Now, if you happen to be a follower of Jesus Christ or simply a reader of the Bible, you will know what giving my life up can do for me. If you do not know, Jim Elliot said a great part of it before his death: “He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.”
And King Solomon said this in his deeply personal Biblical account: “I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.” (Ecclesiastes 1:14 NIV)
And here’s a story I found in Jolene‘s testimony:
This young girl had a necklace which she loved. She held it so close to her and it was like a security blanket to her. She held it so close to her and so tight that she didn’t realize that the necklace was old and chipped and ugly. She wouldn’t let anyone else have it and if they tried to take it from her, she would only pull it closer. One day her father saw her with the necklace. He tried to take it from her but she wouldn’t let him. He tugged a little and she only gripped it more fiercely. Finally, he was able to persuade her to open her hand and let him take the necklace. After he took it, she looked down at her hands and saw that she had nothing in them. Then her father presented her with a brand new, sparkling necklace. It was the most beautiful necklace she had ever seen, a million times better than her old one. This little story is God telling me that he is still standing there ready to give me a new necklace, a new life, a life that would be a million times better than my old life. My problem is that I have a lot of fun with the old one. It’s little… Just a few little things that are fun and… do they really do any harm anyway?
The only thing really keeping me from being comfortable with my crusty necklace is the nudging from inside. You may call it a conscience, but I call it lovingly the Holy Spirit that has made a house with a strong foundation inside my heart. Dangit. I’d rather let go of these little pleasures than go another day, week, or month feeling the grief the Spirit has at my disobedience. Shoot. I am having such a hard time doing this.
I’ve promised God this sacrifice for years now. Now it’s dug its claws inside my heart and I’m scared that if it leaves, I’ll lose pieces of myself as well… And I know this is such a broad entry, filled with my signature generic statements.
I’m really wrestling with God here.
Couldn’t he bend the rules for me?
No. I know He can’t. It’s not his nature. And I love His nature. I love Him. Completely. Rats. I know what this means.