the vacuum of revealing

In response to afrogtokiss’ entry on blog rankings:

“As I’ve stated in the past, the blogosphere is a huge high schoolish clique. The popular kids say who’s allowed in and who doesn’t have what it takes. Is this how blogging began? I seriously doubt it.

Will the fact a blog wasn’t listed in a top directory really have an impact on life? The answer: no. To those bloggers out there who, like myself, have absolutely no direction in life, or, a blog, take some advice. Stay true to yourself.”

blue face used for a layout at 400k.netI’ve had a blog for about 7 years straight now. My current one is new because my previous blog (actually the whole domain) was erased without my knowledge. There is a part of you that dies when all of your writings, musings, ideas, poetry, discoveries, secrets, and rants are suddenly gone without any way of getting them back. I now know that I should have taken the time to backup my archives onto my new computer, but alas… I didn’t think ahead.

I’ve even blogged about this incident a few time before (on my myspace page) and I claimed that it didn’t affect me–that I was okay with it being dead and gone… I’m not okay with it. My posts about my father’s battle with and death from cancer are gone. My musings about relationships, school, religion… they’re all gone. All I have left are various graphics I used with my layouts and some fond memories of being “a part” of something that extended past my website–but was ultimately an extension of my inner self.

an old layoutSo when you speak about being yourself–it does matter. Because if your blog disappears one day and you don’t feel a piece of you is now invisible again… then either you care too much about your traffic, or you never revealed that piece of yourself to the world in the first place.

This online blog world is one giant middle school experience. There are populars, freaks, nerds, jocks, skanks, religious nuts, class presidents, bands, wannabes, and everyone in between. I’m starting to wonder if this is all blogging will ever be.

Nevertheless, there is a part of us that needs to come out. For me, that piece of myself has grown so used to being covered up (since that old blog died) that the muscles that flexed with creative juices have atrophied. Crafting a sentence isn’t so easy anymore. Being inspired to share an observation is a quiet whisper instead of a shout of “I have to blog that!”

Sure it’s petty drivel at times… but if what you write comes out of who you are and reveals a new portion of yourself… you can’t really go wrong.

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9 thoughts on “the vacuum of revealing

  1. that brown layout… i think that is when i first started reading your blog. it caught my eye when you posted a simple, yet powerful entry… saying something about your father’s limited days left on earth… or at least that’s what the doctors said.

    i became a regular reader of your blog then.. and in regular rotation in my prayers as well. i thought you were so cool… cooler than sliced bread… and i never thought i’d have the chance to meet you in person. but i did. and i have been blessed.

    (gosh.. talking about memory… things just keep flooding out of my brain…)
    i also remember when you called me from the hospital when your dad passed. i felt honored that i was deemed important enough to tell via phone/voice.. before you blogged/posted about the news.

    and on a lighter note.. i remember how i felt less nerdy when YOU updated your blog from the hospital waiting room (or something like that) when you were in for a routine procedure. :-P

    gosh. your blog has been a blessing to so many… not just daily ramblings of your life.

  2. Thank you for responding to my post. Tray’s comment says it all for me- it’s about friendship, finding common interests and ground. Those who receive let’s say, 10,000+ hits a month- do they really know their readers? Yes, some may offer a service, or, give excellent information on a topic and we thank them, but it comes down to how YOU as a blogger relate to the reader. If I only had 5 people reading my blog, (and at one time I did), I would be happy still. It’s finding others whom I share interests with that I’m more interested in, not hits or rankings. I sign up for traffic sites in the hopes that one or two people will continue reading. Yesterday marked my 50,000th page hit. Whoopie. The only thing this means is my page as been viewed by 50,000 people, most more than once, and it excludes my IP. It means nothing in the scheme of things. Nice post and I agree with you 100%.

  3. Tray: I posted that brown layout for you, just so you know. I recall you mentioning that layout one day during one of our visits. Now it always reminds me of you. It’s almost silly how close I feel to people who have simply read what I’ve had to say. It feels like an even tighter connection than I have with people who only know me when we hang out together. My “readers” who have seen my dark, light, airy, murky, hilarious, rediculous, and sad self have seen more than most of my friends have ever seen. So when I think of you as a friend, I think of it on a deeper level than just “I know this awesome girl named Tracy”. It’s more like “I’m connected to an awesome girl named Tracy.” To me there is a subtle, but significant difference. You’ve been there for me and I love you for it. I can’t wait to see you again, friend! I’d like to connect with you soon :)

    Beth: Thanks for inspiring my thoughts. It made me go deeper into what blogging can mean to a person. I think I’d rather be friends with my “readers” (this word seems too much like “audience” to me. even though I suppose it sort of is that way) than having many of them. I’d rather have discussions in my comments than lauds. Part of me is geared for community, and even online I cannot stop being that person. Thanks so much for your thoughts :)

  4. 1st time through here…I’ve been blogging over 3 years between 3 different blogs. I just joined blogmad a few weeks ago to increase traffic to my place and to find some new blogs to read. Blog rankings are a funny thing…it isn’t something I get excited about myself.

  5. Mike: thank you for stopping by! Your blog makes my sides split quite regularly.
    Miladysa: Thanks for your kind words. Yeah it really stinks. I’m now in the process of searching for any old files that may contain old posts just in case I can import them into wordpress. We’ll see!

  6. Pingback: I found my father « shofar, so good

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