Some of Dan Brown’s Works in Progress
BY VINCE LICATA
The Tax Code: Jesus gets audited; is cleared of all charges on the third day.
The Source Code: Jesus tracks down software pirates among the Pharisees.
The Bar Code: Jesus uses the self-checkout lane; has difficulty scanning.
The Security Code: Jesus breaks into some houses; takes nothing, leaves love and understanding.
The Penal Code: Jesus in jail, again.
The Zip Code: Jesus mails a letter to the Pope; the Pope thinks it’s junk mail and throws it out; history changes forever.
The Genetic Code: The alleged illegitimate child of Jesus sues for patrimony.
The Enigma Code: The story of the Nazis’ “unbreakable” code. (Jesus not involved.)
The Health Code: Jesus gets mild food poisoning; is treated and released.
The Ethics Code: Jesus retracts the line “And blessed are the lawyers.”
The Area Code: Jesus changes his cell-phone company after too many dropped calls from His Dad.
The Municipal Code: Jesus is told to get the broken-down car out of his yard, or else pay a fine.
Strange Compliments I’ve Received Because I’m Not Very Attractive
BY KATE SULLIVAN
“The whites of your eyes are really white.”
“And your thighs are so soft.”
“And the sound they make when they rub together is really pleasant—like one of those rainstorm/ocean-sound tapes.”
“And when you stand up they are half the size they are when you’re sitting down.”
“Your nose is right in the center of your face.”
“Your feet are a perfectly medium length.”
“Their extra width must give you really great balance.”