Nice guys finishing last

Is this old adage true? Do nice guys finish last? I read something that honestly made my eyebrows shoot up. I especially want the male perspective on this quote because I have no idea what you all think about this subject.

You need to understand the important fact that the “bad” in the “bad boy” isn’t what really ultimately attracts the female; the male in the bad boy is what attracts her. The bad boy lacks overly female characteristics, so early on he is an easier place for the female psyche to find what she craves in a man-–maleness. The nice guy’s maleness might be hidden behind his “feminine side” and therefore harder for the female to spot. With a few adjustments to communication and presentation, however, the nice guy can learn to release the varying aspects of his personality at appropriate times, thus intriguing the female more deeply.

NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALE: STEPS TOWARD NEVER HEARING AGAIN, “You’re a Nice Guy, But…”

If you, the male of the relationship, have ever said something like, “How come you act more like a man than a girl?” then you’ve just diagnosed yourself as the nice guy. So what do you do now? How do you make sure your next dating adventure doesn’t end in friendship alone? Here are SOME steps to help you become less of a nice guy and more of a guy she wants:

1. Don’t tell her you love her too early on. Make sure she is dying to hear you say it before you ever do.

2. Don’t get too far ahead of her emotionally. Women love a guy who knows how to lead. Guys should define the relationship. When the time comes, say “I love you” first, and keep the relationship on track, but part of this is knowing your timing. Get too far ahead of her emotionally and you lose.

3. Don’t talk more than she does. Sure, girls love a guy who talks with her, but she also likes to be heard, so don’t try to compete with her in the area of talking. Always lag a bit behind to keep her guessing.

4. HAVE A LIFE. Guys who suddenly make the girl their entire life are boring. Girls want to see you with your friends, playing sports, working on cars, whatever – just have a life so she doesn’t feel like she has to support you emotionally. That’s your job for her, not hers for you, early on in the relationship. (Note: as the relationship progresses toward and into marriage, the relationship grows and matures, and all of these things change. But you’re making a mistake if you take the relationship there too quickly. That only makes you just another nice guy. We are talking about getting you Marriable, and this puts you in a better position.)

—>Hayley and Michael DiMarco, authors of Marriable – Taking the desperate out of dating.

Back to my eyebrows which are now firmly tied upwards… Is the timing of “I love you” such an important issue? The rest of this little article mentions the timing of “I love you” more than twice, as if that’s a determining factor of how to make or break your relationship. Does timing even enter a guy’s mind?

Is mystery something all women want deep down? How is that a male trait instead of both a female and male trait? Is it just a form of playing mind games to keep someone interested? Guessing? Is it an ego-stroking method of communication?

Is the author right about what attracts a woman to a man? Is it psychobabble? Can you identify? Are you offended?

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11 thoughts on “Nice guys finishing last

  1. I think you think too much. :)

    No really, in my experience, the only women that don’t enjoy mystery are women that absolutely MUST be in control. As a pretty confident guy, I like smart, confident women, and now I’m searching for one that enjoys letting me treat them as a heart worthy of being won.

    Call it cavemanish or chivalrous, but as a former nice guy, what the authors said rings true for me. When I was the nice guy, I tried to be what women told me they wanted (sensitivity, sharing, openness) but it continually landed in the abyss of “just friends”.

    Now I hold back a little bit more and look for a woman that’s willing to let me lead. Better results (still single) but I don’t end every dating attempt feeling like the girl.

    FWIW.

  2. I agree with the author.

    I don’t think they are saying all men need to sit there and think about timing. I’m pretty sure this was aimed at “nice guys” that are timing challenged.

  3. I’m coming from a pretty different situation than most I’d bet… my father was a huge “feeler” who could easily and clearly express his emotions and connect with people. It was part of his job (psychologist). Perhaps he was a “nice guy”… but he also was never lacking in strength, having his own life, and being a leader.

    So… can you have the best of both worlds?

  4. i agree with the author mostly but i am considered a nice guy. I’m also a meek guy who really does not share his feelings i consider my self a good flirt and am told am a good poet. i have a life because i have never had a girlfriend I’m 20 years old. i like down to earth friendly girls looks don’t really matter and i have always finished last. so i am proof that the above is only a little true

  5. I like the new look! Fancy Shmancy!

    I’m dying for you to have a “give Back” page or whatever you decide to call it. I’ve never seen anyone else do it and it would be cool to see what you put on it.

    And as far as the “I love you” timing goes, it doesn’t matter when you say it, it will always be too soon for a guy.

  6. thanks Jennifer! You reminded me of that page idea, and I did need a kick in the butt to do it. I’ll start considering a plan and creating the page soon.

    Too soon for the guy? I dunno. Some guys say it first. Does that mean they don’t want to say it deep down? I don’t want to think that ;)

  7. heh, I think I agree with the author. I’m not so sure about the whole timing of the ‘I love you’ though.

    I remember for Anne and I we kept saying to each other “I love being with you” which might as well have been “I love you” but we were both afraid of saying it too early. Finally one night she asked me what I was thinking after we had both said how much we loved being with each other, and I said something like “Why don’t we just come out and say it?” And she’s like “say what?” and then I said it.

    I don’t know if that story helps or gives any insight at all. I think that a lot of the stuff said in your quote depends on the type of girl you have.

  8. Humm… I thin I tend to agree with the author… I have never been very bold which hasn’t exactly been a bad thing, but hasn’t got me very many dates either. Will being bolder help? We’ll see. I think there is definitely a balance between “nice guy” and “ass” that will need to be figured out for any couple. Not that either person needs to change, but that there has to be a comfortable level. Really I have no idea what I am talking about and just hope that being myself and dating will work out for the best, even if I am the “nice guy”.

  9. I think the last point — “have a life” — is the key. If a man knows who he is and is secure enough in it to appreciate someone who’s different, chances are he won’t be insecure enough to lose himself emotionally in the relationship. I’d rather be loved by an authentic man than courted by someone who’s thinking about what timing is going to make him irresistible to me or how he can get his emotional needs met. If he’s doing those things, he’s looking at himself, not me. I’ve been married at different times to a “feeler” and a “thinker”, and loving as they both have been, neither let himself be lost in my backwash. I respect that, and it deserves my love.

    By the way, I disagree with the way the author contrasts being a man with the alternative of being a “girl”. I think it’s the difference between being a man and being a kid.

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