1) Brilliant, beautiful, and deadly female agents always marry the plain, bumbling, somehow-get-things-done male agents, giving hope to all normal people everywhere.
2) When someone orders you to put your hands up, stick your foot up as well. Their gun will be magnetically attracted to your shoe sole and you might kick them in the crotch at the same time.
3) If you’re a world class assassin, don’t live in a trailer park. You should be worth more than that. Ask for a raise.
4) Shtarker, zis is KAOS, ve do not “yippeeokayay” here!
6) Weapons can be found anywhere. If you’re interested in suits of armor and medieval implements of war, you can find them at your local book publisher’s warehouse.
7) If you have loud obnoxious neighbors, just give them a Cone of Silence to hang above their beds at night.
8 ) No matter how long ago you’ve heard the theme… you’ll never forget it. It will haunt you in your sleep. And make you dream of long hallways and old dirty pay phones.
9) Don’t get caught in ‘S’ mode: sleeping, shopping, skiing, sex …
10) The right lapel is for local calls, the left lapel is for long distance. And no, you cannot pick your carrier. But don’t forget to use your shoe phone. Shoe waiting is free.
11) Two men frisking each other in the park will traumatize small children. Always frisk in private. Never let the bad guy frisk you first. But if he does–and has a gun–see #2 for possible solutions. Don’t forget the crotch.
This has been another episode of “Nobody will know what you’re talking about, but you blog about it anyways.” Have a nice day!