self defense

So, if anyone wants to mug me, this is the time to do it. I don’t carry a gun, weapons of any kind, or know many methods of self defense. So, there’s a paranoid part of me that wants to be prepared. But according to the evidence, that part of me is pretty lame.

It’s fantastic to see the myriad resources available online for cheap that can be carried around without causing a stir. So if you wanna throw down, here are two fun ways to make your assailant regret they ever laid eyes on you:

Ya breakin’ my heart! Or perhaps my heart’s breaking you into little tiny pieces of whiny pain. The “Heart Attack” keychain fob looks like a better solution than the meaningless “keys between the fingers” method I first heard about in middle school (when I didn’t even have keys to put there). So for under $3 you can purchase a plastic tool of intimidation that might not look too horrible next to your snappy “I have PMS… Back off” key chain circa 1995.

Whatya gonna do, write on me? When threatening someone with this tool of torture, be sure to uncap it first. This pen-slash-knife will come in handy when forcing contract signings or star autographs. Just give them a little peek at what’s under the cap and they’ll be writing you a sweet song in no time. My question is: can you take this on a plane?

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