They don’t matter

Computer progress bars. Why do bars say “1 minute left” when it actually takes 15 just to go that final millimeter? Perhaps there should be another bar that says “Time until you consider canceling and restarting this aggravating process.”

Cell phone signal bars. Apparently technology has not mastered any method of measuring what’s truly going on. My apartment is a perfect example of a den of lies and deceit in this respect. Before I make a call, my signal strength is often 3/4. As soon as a call connects it dips to 1/4. Not only that; as soon as I move a quarter of an inch in any direction the signal bars fluctuate like a yo-yo dieter’s weight.

“Close door” buttons in elevators. It’s a trap. They neither do nor mean anything. Stop fooling yourselves.

Crosswalk buttons. The lights don’t care about you, sweetie. The lights will continue to cycle with normal traffic patterns. You will eventually cross. But if patience doesn’t work for you, feel free to jaywalk. I imagine they’re giving lessons in Ann Arbor about how to perfect this art form.

Silent letters. They’re the appendix of the English language. ‘Nuff said.

What other things don’t matter?

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