You have no idea how many posts I’ve written in the past months and published as private. I suppose having a blog is a terror for me at times—when I am being honest with myself, but not being honest with others. I keep quiet about my most personal events, feelings, and transformations, but outsiders only see portions or slivers of the truth that come through when I want to feel connected.

If you read my archives, I used to be so plain, so open and forthcoming. It was a beautiful thing that I’m sure drew people to me, and helped me become who I am now. But perhaps as an adult I’ve learned a different kind of fear, or perhaps a better value for privacy and personal growth that truly is personal. I’m not sure if it’s bad, good, or twisted. But here I am, writing privately on a public medium. Oh the irony.


5 thoughts on “Privatized

  1. Not that you have to answer, but did a specific event cause you to withdraw, or did you just realize the value of not putting everything out there? I ask because I’ve tried to get my wife and nearly-13 year old daughter to do a little blogging. Wife is really too busy, daughter would rather Facebook.

  2. Sorry I didn’t answer this earlier, Damon. But in case you see it:

    I think it’s both. There’s value in privacy, yes. I am appreciating it.

    Also, specific changes have brought me further away from those around me, and I think that distance is reflected here. I’m a creature of self-conscious behavior, so if I think people will dislike me or lose respect or love for me because of who I am and what I do, I hold back from talking about it. Like I said in the post… fear.

    I think some people are natural “bloggers” and some are not. My sister started a blog years ago… wrote about 5 posts and then abandoned it. But that’s just not how she is drawn to the internet. I think they have to want to be publicly heard, or feel like they have a mission or message to want to participate in the blogosphere.

  3. I love(d) blogging, but the subjects I wanted to blog about were born of hurt or anger, often justified, sometimes not. When I pulled my punches for fear of angering someone about whom I was blogging, or the situation around them, I’d feel unhappy with myself for not being truly open. But I knew I couldn’t live with alienating people I cared about, even if I felt that they were taking a wrong position on an issue.
    So, after agonizing over it, I made my blogs personal. But that left me with no connection to the world as a whole. I liked hearing from people I didn’t know. It just got too dissatisfying, and I stopped.
    I don’t have any answers. I do know that keeping a journal is a good way to work out personal issues. I have used Word for that occasionally. More often, I go back to the old-fashioned pen and an actual notebook. At the end of the day, my scribbles have done me some good.
    But I still want to write publicly about political, social and cultural issues, including sports.
    I’ve toyed with the idea of having a website. I think that’s going to be where I’ll end up. Not yet, though. I have to think of a good title for the site, and how I want it designed. That’s not my area of expertise, nor do I want to learn. For now, I’m just concentrating on our new dog and wishing I were young enough again to keep up with everything. Irony: I’ve just realized I’m blogging on your blog. GAAACCCCKKKK!!!! Sorry about that, chief. :) I will stop now. I mean it. Really.

  4. I never felt like I could talk about what I wanted on my blog a lot of times, because I had real life friends and acquaintances that read it.

    Now, I don’t feel like I have anything to talk about…so I don’t really post anymore. I’ll be canceling my domain and space this year, I think. ‘Less something dramatic happens…but I do think I need a revamp at the very least.

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