Now I’ve got a card to play

So I went to the optometrist yesterday for the first time in two years. I haven’t gone until now because I don’t have optical insurance (grumble mumble toil and @#*&%!).

I make my contacts last as long as possible so I don’t have to buy new ones. My glasses broke in 2006 (!) and I’ve been doing the classy “wear them on one ear ‘opera glasses’ method” since nobody sees them but me. Yeah, it’s hot.

Grudgingly, I gave in and found the cheapest place (I hope) to buy glasses. Now, here’s the catch. If you have eyes like mine, you don’t ever, ever get “cheap” glasses. It’s a complete oxymoron. The frames alone have to meet certain specifications (which happen to make them part of the “fashionable” trends right now, so of course “cheap” is out of the question). And the lenses? Forget it. They’ll cost you your first child.

While sitting in the chair, gazing into the fog of my reality, and having the doctor school me on how contacts are different than glasses (no kidding, sherlock, i’ve basically worn both since I was in utero) I asked her, “So, what does your prescription have to be for you to be considered legally blind?”
She looks at me and says, “Oh girl, you’re it.”

Oh. Well, that’s nice. the first thing I think of is Three Blind Mice and wondering if my siblings are also legally blind like me. And how I don’t want anyone to “see how I run”.

The upside of this diagnosis swiftly overshadowed—or should I say, overfogged—the melody in my head. You see, now I can pull the pity card. “You wouldn’t make a blind girl pay a mortgage, you you?” If only it worked like that.

So yeah, that’s fun. Let’s get to the other good stuff: my glasses (one pair, mind you) cost $424.85.

Let it sink in.

Thankfully, I got a 50% discount because I paid them $20 for a nondescript plastic card. Whatever. I say take the $20 and give me my spectacles, you jerks.

You wouldn’t make a blind girl pay for corrective lenses, would you?

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You’re not allowed

There are certain individuals in our society who, because of the nature of their work, should not have “bad days”. Here are some that come to mind:

  • Astronauts: When everything you do goes wrong, the last place you want to be is stuck in space.
  • Judges: What you say goes. So please don’t say “I could just kill someone today! Ugh!”
  • Secret Service Agents: On your bad days men get three names* and live in infamy.
  • Kim Jong-Il: If he tortures, starves, and kills his own people on his good days, I don’t want to see him on a bad one.
  • Oprah Winfrey: who knows what would happen. She might be seen as human, get married, or maybe even recommend a book I actually want to read.
  • The President of the United States: The way things are today, it would seem there have been plenty of bad days already.
  • The Pope: You never know what dogma he’ll roll out with next.
  • Surgeons: “Scalpel… Clamp… Anesthesia—Oops.”

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self defense

So, if anyone wants to mug me, this is the time to do it. I don’t carry a gun, weapons of any kind, or know many methods of self defense. So, there’s a paranoid part of me that wants to be prepared. But according to the evidence, that part of me is pretty lame.

It’s fantastic to see the myriad resources available online for cheap that can be carried around without causing a stir. So if you wanna throw down, here are two fun ways to make your assailant regret they ever laid eyes on you:

Ya breakin’ my heart! Or perhaps my heart’s breaking you into little tiny pieces of whiny pain. The “Heart Attack” keychain fob looks like a better solution than the meaningless “keys between the fingers” method I first heard about in middle school (when I didn’t even have keys to put there). So for under $3 you can purchase a plastic tool of intimidation that might not look too horrible next to your snappy “I have PMS… Back off” key chain circa 1995.

Whatya gonna do, write on me? When threatening someone with this tool of torture, be sure to uncap it first. This pen-slash-knife will come in handy when forcing contract signings or star autographs. Just give them a little peek at what’s under the cap and they’ll be writing you a sweet song in no time. My question is: can you take this on a plane?